Sophia's Angels
Imagine that you are being watched every second of your life; someone watching you eat, watching you sleep, watching you breathe, even watching you in the shower. Awful, I know. This is my life right now, there is someone watching my every move, my every step, my every breath, my every thought. They say it’s for my own good. They say it’s for my protection. I know this is a lie. They are out to get me; they want me to fail. I won’t fail, though, I’m much to smart for their tricks and mind games. They can’t get to me where I am. I am untouchable.
“How are you feeling today, Sophia?” One of them asks.
I refuse to answer. They want to get inside my head. I won’t let them in. Once you start to open up, they crawl right into your mind and mess around with all that’s stored away in your memory. They try to use your thoughts against you.
“Are you feeling better than yesterday?” She presses me for an answer.
I just shrug my shoulders. I have discovered that indifference is a good method. They won’t be able to tell exactly what I am thinking. They can’t get in my head; they can’t break me.
“You know, Sophia, you have to talk to me sooner or later.”
I look out the window. I can’t be forced into doing something that I don’t want to. She’s trying to trick me. She must take me for an idiot. I’m no idiot. I clamp my mouth shut. My jaw is so tight that it begins to hurt. I can’t let any thoughts escape. They are as precious as jewels and gold.
“Sophia, please. I just want to help you. I can’t help you if you refuse to talk with me.”
More lies! I can’t believe she thinks that I would believe such deceit. I turn my head back and stare at her. I bore my eyes into hers, making them as intense as they can possibly look. She meets my gaze and smiles. Can you believe that! She actually smiled. How can someone be so fake?
“What do you want from me?” I can’t help it. The words escape from my mouth. I want to gather them up and stuff them back inside, but they have already reached her ears.
“I want to help you get better. I know you must be hurting, and I want to understand why. We can’t let you out of here until we know you are stable. I know that something made you do this to yourself and I want to help you through whatever issues you are going through. I’m on your side, Sophia.” She smiled again.
I glance down at my arms then quickly look up. She’s not on my side. No one is. I’m all alone and nothing can change that. She is just a roadblock on my journey. I was almost to my destination, but she pulled me back. She is not on my side. She doesn’t want to help me.
“I don’t believe you. Please leave. Now.” I glare at her.
“I’m afraid I can’t do that. You know that you are not allowed to be left alone.”
“I hate you.” I turn over in the bed, tubing getting tangled around my arms. “Why can’t you take these stupid needles out of my veins? I don’t want them in me.”
“The IV’s need to stay in.” She explains.
Just then another one of them walks in. She comes over to the bed and smiles at me. More forged kindness. I roll my eyes.
“Hello, Sophia. There is someone here that would like to see you. Are you feeling up for a visitor?”
“Who is it?” Who could possibly want to see me like this? It isn’t as if any human loves me or wants me around.
“Your sister.”
Oh. I shrug my shoulders. “I don’t care if she comes in.” I project more indifference. This one can’t see inside me either.
“I’ll send her in.”
I had no idea of what to expect when I walked into my sisters room. I was scared and sad and angry, all at the same time. I don’t know what pushed her over the edge. I didn’t even know she was so close to breaking down. The image of her body slumped over in the bathroom flashes into my mind. I had never seen so much blood before. The doctors said that if I hadn’t found her than she would have died. But that was what she had wanted. I feel like I just made her life worse by saving her.
Sophia glares up at me from the hospital bed. She looks awful. She has so many things hooked up to her, so many wires and tubing.
“Hello, Angie.” She says coldly. There’s no expression on her face. It’s like she has no emotion, no life.
“Hey Sophia, how are you feeling?” I stand awkwardly at the foot of her bed.
She shrugs her shoulders and looks up at the ceiling. She closes her eyes and inhales deeply. I wonder what she is thinking. She probably hates me for saving her; in fact, I know she does. I don’t know why, but she doesn’t want to be a part of this world. She wants to be with the angels; that’s what she wrote in her suicide note.
“Sophia, I want to let you know that I love you.”
Her eyes flash open. She stares wildly at me. She looks like an animal, the human in her lost. “Then why did you pull me back? Why did you stop me?”
I feel my heart drop. Because I love you, I think. But I remain silent. Conflict arises inside of me. If I really loved her, I would want her to be happy. She’s not happy here; she wants to take her life. Moreover, if I love her I would have let her die? No! That can’t be right. Confusion clouds my mind. I think my heart stops beating.
“Sophia, your sister saved your life. That is love.” The woman sitting in the chair by Sophia’s bed explains to her. I didn’t notice her before. She must be the psychiatrist the nurse was telling me about.
Sophia closes her eyes again. This time she seems to stop breathing all together. She remains quiet for a long time. It seems like hours before she speaks but it is only a minute or two. Then she turns to me, eyes colder than ever. Slashing at my soul, like razors.
“I’d like you to go now.” Her voice is full of venom. I can feel it creep under my skin and trace through my veins, pumping into my heart.
Taking a deep breath I reply, “If that’s what you want.”
“That’s what I want.” She states firmly.
I turned and walk out of the room. Walking down the hallway I fight back tears. They cloud my eyes and threaten to spill over. Running to the elevator I punch the down arrow. The doors wheeze open and I fly inside. As soon as the doors breathe shut, I sink down in the corner and let the tears flow down my cheeks. Burning rivers of despair spill out onto my face, dripping down to my chin. Heavy sobs racked my body as my heart slowly brakes. It shatters into a million pieces each one cutting through the shell of my body. Is this what Sophia feels like?
Nights are the hardest. They watch me sleep. Even though my eyes are closed and I fall into a deep slumber, I can still feel their eyes on me. I can feel their awful eyes on my skin, on my wounds. Their eyes burn my flesh; their eyes haunt my soul. They think they can stop me. It’s only a matter of time before I go and live with the angels. I dream about the angels every time I close my eyes. They fly around the white clouds, singing and laughing. They want me to join them; they love me.
I had been so close to the angels. I was so close to them. I could feel their feathery soft wings brush gently against my cheeks. They loved me. They had a place for me. I was almost to heaven. Then I was violently pulled back. I fought against the unknown force but I was too weak. I reached out to the angels but they were too far away. I tried to get closer; I desperately tried to claw my way back to them. I couldn’t get to them. They couldn’t reach me.
Now I’m here, in this hell. I can’t escape the pain no matter how hard I try. They won’t let me. These demons trap me here in this room, locked for eternity. I try to get back to the angels; I try every night. The demons guard me, locking my soul. I will escape. I will break free from their hold.
They even turned my own sister against me. She claims that she loves me but she’s lying. They got to her. They must have brain washed her. She let them into her mind and now she’s one of them. She told them where I was going and she held me back so they could capture me. She wants me to stay, buried in this hell. She doesn’t want me near the salvation of the angels.
I don’t understand why they want me to stay here. There must be more people here that want to be with the angels. Keeping me from knowing the others is their plan. They don’t want me to know that I have comrades; they want me to remain in isolation. It’s okay. I don’t need anybody. I have the angels on my side. Next time I try to get to them I will be stronger. I won’t fail next time. Next time I will reach my destination.
I will get to my angels.
